Q: My PS2 keeps saying DISC READ ERROR when I put in certain games.  It's most games really, but I can still listen to CDs.   What the hell?

A: It's pretty easy to fix actually.  You just have some build-up of crud on the lens of the CD reader's laser.   This build-up is a combination of carpet fibers, condensation, dried skin oil and skin flakes from the game discs being handled, and that soda your little brother spilled on the console when you weren't home.   Go kick his ass... I'll wait.

Here's what you need:

1. PS2 with a "Disc Read Error" (duh!)
2. One small and one regular-size philips screwdriver
3. Rubbing Alcohol
4. Some Q-Tips
5. Some compressed air or a clean, dry cloth (or both)

DISCLAIMER FOR THIS TUTORIAL:  I am not responsible for any damage you cause to your PS2 by using this guide.If you follow it closely, you should have no problems.  And, as always; don't play with yourself or you'll go blind...

1. Unplug the video cable and power cord altogether
2. Remove the little rubber feet and take out the screws that are under them. DON’T USE AN ELECTRIC SCREWDRIVER.  They can cause static electricity and may fuck something up. [PiC]
3. Remove the Expansion Bay cover from the back of the unit and set it aside.
4. You may need to cut the warranty sticker to open the unit.  When taking off the cover, lift from the back corners, being careful not to break the silver ribbon that is connected to the reset and eject buttons.  Also, be careful of the CD tray and other things on the front panel.  Flip the cover over to the right… make sure the silver ribbon cable always stays connected.  [PiC]
5. NOTE:  The yellow warning label on the CD housing says: “CAUTION: Laser Radiation when open: DO NOT STARE INTO THE BEAM”  What idiot did they need that sticker for?   J [PiC]
6. Take off the four little screws that are holding down the CD Reader compartment.  Clean the top of the compartment with compressed air or a clean cloth.    Remove the cover and clean the inside in the same manner.   Pay particular attention to the white plastic ring (on the underside the CD compartment's cover) making sure it is as dust-free as possible.  If you have compressed air, clean this area well and let it dry up before moving on.  [PiC]
7. Clean the rubber disk pad around the CD spinner with a Q-tip dipped in alcohol.   Hold the Q-Tip to the ring with one hand and spin the ring manually with the other.   Blow on it to make sure the alcohol is dried up before proceeding.  [PiC]
8. If you look closely at it, you can see that the laser eye is cloudy, and sometimes even opaque.  It should be clear, shiny and have a bluish tint to it.  Clean the laser eye with a Q-Tip dipped in alcohol.  Carefully roll the Q-Tip between your thumb and finger on the eye and blow on it to dry the alcohol.   You should be able to clean it in one pass. [PiC]  If not, always use a fresh Q-Tip … if you use the same one, you are just wiping the same dirt back onto it.   While you are in here, clean the disk area around the laser with your cloth or compressed air.   This is where your discs are spinning while you are playing games.   Anything that is here can become flying debris that will make your laser dirty again.
9. Carefully reassemble the system, making sure everything is in place.  Slide the cover back on, lining up the CD tray and other front panel openings up as you go.   Flip the unit over once the cover is back on.   See the [PiC] to help with where the long and short screws go.   Trying to jam a long screw in the wrong place will damage the motherboard and destroy your PS2 altogether… take your time and be careful.   Make sure you used all the screws; you should have nothing left over when you are done.

CONGRATULATIONS!   You can play games again.   Was that not the easiest thing you’ve ever done?  And you were going to throw it out the window … HA!